So, you want to start your own bar? It makes sense, it’s a great gig. The thing is that you don’t want to start just any old bar with a variety of customers. You want to start the bar that attracts only the coolest of the cool kids. You want your bar to be filled with eye rolls, buried enthusiasm and feigned disinterest. You want your bar to be an Instagram star, not a Facebook “check in”.
So, how do you do it? How do you create a bar that everybody who is anybody wants to show up at on a Wednesday night (Saturdays are so whatever)? Well, you should probably organise equipment finance, find a venue and sort out all that admin first. But after that…
It’s all about the name
But it can’t just be any name. Some people go with obscure names that mean absolutely nothing and others prefer to go with pop culture references. How about naming your bar after a John Hughes movie, like Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles? Cool kids love that kind of thing.
Staff who are all “meh”
You’re not looking to attract senior citizens or biology teachers, so avoid hiring staff who look like they care about stuff. When you interview bartenders make sure that they can pull of the perfect “not really into this whole thing” face. Make sure to train them as well – they should know exactly how long to avoid serving a customer and what sigh to use for every occasion.
Guy with a Mac
This guy should sit at the entrance to the bar with a MacBook Air and raise an eyebrow every time someone walks in the door. That’s his entire job. Occasionally he will be required to sigh deeply or mutter under his breath and shake his head, but that’s about it.
Playlists that make no sense
You’ll need to put a lot of effort into making these playlists. You will have to search high and low for all the most obscure bands and then chuck them onto playlists with theme tunes for 90’s kids’ shows, 2002’s greatest hits, and electro-swing covers of hip hop songs.
Décor that’s just like “I put no effort into this”
This is going to take a lot of time, hard work and shopping around to sort out. You have to choose between a minimalistic approach, a “whatever” kind of theme or a cluttered “junk store” vibe. Whatever look you go for, just make sure that it looks like you didn’t even try.
Craft beer and three types of gourmet burgers are a must. You should also have a signature drink that comes in anything other than a glass (think mason jar, vintage teacup or small vase). Give everything you serve a unique name (preferably with an obscure pop culture reference that nobody gets).
Follow these simple steps and you’ll be up and running and serving alcohol to all the cool twenty-something kids in next to no time.